It’s been a while since BFZ has let it all out in terms of what he’s been up to lately. We caught up with Sasquatch Undead and he opened up to share his feelings about the pressures of being a topic of folklore.
MM: First off, thank you sir for talking with us. I know you’re very busy with scaring tourists and all that.
BFZ: My job is not to scare tourists but rather I’m a Dream Peddler. I peddle dreams of scientific possibility. In truth science knows very little in relation to what it COULD know in 2020 if we weren’t on this path.
MM: What happens in 2020?
BFZ: We find out if science has any meaning anymore. Me and Lochy (Loch Ness Monster) were talking the other day about how times have changed recently. It used to be that there was a curiosity about spotting us and so on, but according to Marty (Martian) sighting opportunities of us folks have gone down 35% in the last few years. Now that’s scary!
MM: Yes. We heard you were concerned about the general perception of climate change.
BFZ: Yeah. If climate change studies are on the chopping block, what hope is there for interest in spotting folks like me and the gang?!
Let’s face it, BigFoot Sr. (Jr. doesn’t participate in “surprise” photos, he’s an accountant) has more traction and publicity than BigFoot Zombie does. Some speculate that BigFoot Zombie is both a Sasquatch and a “Night of the Living Dead Creature.” In short, many marketers agree that the reason BFZ is not as popular as BF is has to do with him confusing people. Is he a BigFoot or is he a Zombie? Agency folks have recommended that BigFoot Zombie make a decision regarding who he will do advertisement campaigns toward, will it be BigFoot Fan Clubs or Zombie Fan Clubs? BigFoot Zombie doesn’t listen to the naysayers and has taken possession of building his own brand sans the “so called experts.” BigFoot Zombie sees himself being twice the draw instead of having conflicting image issues like the promotional camp asserts. So how did BigFoot Zombie manage to become a mythic legend despite the critics chopping down his approach? Simple. He combined his artistic side with his entrepreneur side and became an ArtisticPreneur. This way he had the passion of the artist and the business smarts of the entrepreneur. In other words he burns his own career path and has become a formidable force advocating for himself and telling his story just like the site ArtisticPreneur suggests. You go BigFoot Zombie!
To Become a Famous Musician or not to Become a Famous Musician?
Let’s face it. BigFoot Zombie would make a great rock star and he knows it. He’s never tried to become a music celebrity before because he never had the bandwidth due to his busy schedule and passionate commitment to keeping the “BigFoot Zombie” myth and legend alive by letting himself be “accidentally” be caught on camera in very blurry photos like the one shown in this post. And FYI the agreement between BFZ and the photographers of his pictures is that they must shoot photos that are blurry so that no one is positively sure BigFoot Zombie even really exists. It keeps the drama going.
BigFoot Zombie’s Big Issue of Pursuing the Career of Performing Tunes
BigFoot Zombie is in a quandary folks. Because of the blurry photos and film clips taken of him he’s already got the visibility necessary to piggy back it to become a vocalist as a solo career or even as the leader of a band. He can’t sing very well but that’s never stopped a lot of people from seeking and even achieving stardom. Here’s the problem though: he doesn’t want to do blurry music videos. He feels as an artist that appearing crisp and clear in his music clips is vital because he has been learning the ancient Japanese art of Kabuki and for it to be fully experienced one’s image of it must solidly be in focus.
The History of Out of Focus Photos of BigFoot Zombie is a Family Affair
BigFoot Zombie is driven like nobody’s business to win a Grammy by the time he’s 61 years old. Reporters first began writing about him in October (the month of Halloween) 1958. The famous photo of him that we include in this article is actually that of his mother Matilda who was gathering grub for her son. Because at the time this picture was taken BFZ was just a cute little baby BigFoot Zombie , much too young to appear in intentionally poorly done images.
Putting Aside for the Moment the In Focus versus Not in Focus Issue Concerning Making Music Videos
Now putting the music video issue aside, BigFoot Zombie becomes determined to achieve fame in the music world. To do so he goes to two different consultants. The first consultant who is very “New Age” and “in the moment” as well as eats Vegan, gave BFZ this advice for becoming a rock star in 3 steps:
1. Smile. 2. Listen. 3. Be.
BigFoot Zombie Considers the Crystal Carrying Consultant’s 3 Steps to the Rock ‘n Roll Bigtime
BigFoot Zombie didn’t like SMILING, he was known as not being a good LISTENER (growling without really hearing the other person) and the “BE” thing really got him. When he asked the New Age consultant how to “Be” the suggestion was get into a meditative position and then to breath in and breath out listening to the breath. As we’ve already established BigFoot Zombie was not a good listener, not even of his own breath. So Smile/Listen/Be as the 3 steps to be just like KISS and Off Every Day (his two favorite bands) just didn’t feel right to the furry guy. Hence he sought out the 2nd consultant who promoted himself as being a “Realist not an Idealist.”
The Realist Consultant’s Feedback
When BigFoot Zombie told the Realist Consultant of the New Age Consultant’s suggestion to smile, listen and “be” this set off the second consultant who began to angrily rant:
“No. Not true. These are the real 3 REAL steps to become a rock star:
1. Make sure you have a self entitled personality and the outlook that everyone is wrong except for YOU.
2. Focus on that part of YOU that is childish and believes you’re entitled and deserving of whatever you want.
3. When you play your music YOU must believe to the core that it is not only better than anyone else’s but that anybody who doesn’t buy your tunes is a complete idiot.”
We Need Your Feedback
Which of the two consultant’s advice do you think BigFoot Zombie should take to become a Rock Star? Or should the living legend not even bother with a music career and instead focus (ironic use of the word) on what he does best, which is “getting caught” on camera? Let us know so we can pass it on to BFZ! Thanks!
UPDATE (Approximately 3 Hours Later)
Thanks readers for your highly valued opinions. It seems that the majority of you (93.3 %) are of the opinion that BigFoot Zombie in order to become a pop icon music artist should implement these three steps: “(1) Smile, (2) Listen, (3) Be.”
UPDATE (1 Day Later)
Bigfoot Zombie has taken the fans’ recommendation and is currently at a Yoga Camp somewhere in Madera County. He’s NOT under the spotlight yet but he IS eating vegetarian (he likes eggs too much to go Vegan right off the bat).
The original movie “Shane,” based on the book by the late Jack Schaefer, is considered to be one of the all time Classic Westerns. It was nominated for six Academy Awards including “Best Picture” and took one Oscar home. It is this fine picture that is being redone in a Japanese version because there is a loophole in the motion picture rights in the Far East.
Stamas Bro “Shane” Aristotle is the grandson of author Jack Schaefer. As Aristotle stood by his grandfather’s bedside just before Mr. Schaefer passed away, his last words (which were to Aristotle) were:
“Aristotle my boy, my last dying request is that you make a Japanese version of Shane with you in the lead role.”
And then Jack’s eyes close and he goes on to the western style deep valleys in the sky.
The film was in development when Stamas Bro Aristotle, knowing that he was valuable to the production because he was a blood relative of author Jack Schaefer, made three demands of the Japanese movie’s producers.
1. He demands a trailer.
2. When served bread, he insists that the crust be removed.
3. And finally, the villain role of Jack Wilson must be acted by the wooly one.
BigFoot Zombie was of course honored to have his friend get him the role of the bad guy so we invited him along with Stamas to talk about the cutting edge cinematic venture at a North Fork (near Fresno) promotional event.
BigFoot Zombie and Stamas Bro Aristotle show up fashionably late and as BigFoot Zombie goes into nearby shrubbery to “commune with nature,” Aristotle immediately takes charge of the attendees.
Quiet people. Quiet. Settle down. I have something to say!
By this time all the event guests have stopped talking and stare questioningly at Stamas Bro Aristotle.
Aristotle looks toward the balloon lady and reaches out his hand.
May I have a red one?
She gives him a red balloon and Aristotle continues speaking.
As some of you know, I am the grandson of the late Jack Schaefer – the author of the book “Shane” – which is why I was cast in the motion picture. The producers want to include this fact in the marketing. But I am very much against nepotism.
The guests all simultaneously nod their heads in agreement.
Unfortunately my brother, Stamas Bro Homer was unable to make it here today because he has business in New York to attend to. But if he was here right now I’m sure he’d back me up on my being horrified at the notion of using family connections to get ahead.
Aristotle ties his balloon onto his left wrist followed by removing from a pocket a small bottle of whisky, unscrewing the cap, and taking a swig. As he embarks on a monologue he continues to drink the whisky throughout and gets more and more inebriated.
In fact I’m not just against nepotism, but I am also very ANTI name dropping. I mean if I wanted to drop a few names I’d mention that not only am I the fruit of the loom of Grandpappy Jack, but I’m also distantly related to Burl Ives the folk singer – who is also known for lending his voice to the character of “The Snowman Narrator” in the December 6, 1964 Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer Special that they STILL play on TV today! And then of course there’s another relative of mine, also from the Ives side: Charles Ives, who was an American modernist composer and is one of the first American composers of international renown. Not only that. My great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great grandfather was Elder Brewster who was the Minister onboard of the Mayflower boat that arrived on the 9th of November, 1620. Google it. You’ll find there are paintings online of him by famous artists from the 1600’s. And because of his education and stature he became the LEADER of the Mayflower folks. He practically INVENTED Thanksgiving. But like I said, I’m not going to mention any of that because touting who I am related to just isn’t in my DNA!
Suddenly BigFoot Zombie jumps out from behind a bush growling!
Thankfully Stamas Bro Aristotle speaks the language of BigFoot Zombies and is able to interpret the animalistic sounds into English for the group.
BFZ says he wants us to perform a scene from the “Shane” screenplay.
As it turns out, there is a professional interpreter in the audience who can speak in 32 animal tongues who comes forward to lend his skills. Now with BigFoot Zombie interpreter in tow for the Jack Wilson part, man and beast put on a show. This was a great way to close the event and demonstrated the exciting cutting edge artistry we have to look forward to when “Shane 2: Live from Tokyo” is completed and released. Sadly Godzilla, whose participation has been secured to embody the role of Joey Starrett, was unavailable for the brief performance.
Shane : So you’re Jack Wilson.
Jack Wilson : What’s that mean to you, Shane?
Shane : I’ve heard about you.
Jack Wilson : What have you heard, Shane?
Shane : I’ve heard that you’re a low-down Yankee liar.
Jack Wilson : Prove it.
A stunned audience slowly begins to applaud prompting SBA and BFZ take a bow.
Brace Yourself for a Bizarre, Twisted and Utterly Weird Tale
Welcome Stamas Bros fans and lovers of the unearthly, coming your way is a story, so strange and out of the ordinary that we encourage you to turn back and not read the following unless you are utterly sure you can handle freaky and peculiar anecdotes so astonishing you could find yourself going…Well, going INSANE!
So if you’re still reading this, we’ve done our due diligence and warned you so you are now proceeding of your own volition and curiosity of bugged out narratives!
It’s Important to Pronounce People’s Names Correctly
Web Designer, Digital Marketer and Blogger John Yianni Stamas has the last name “Stamas” and according to the audio recording at HowToPronounce.com he pronounces it correctly ([American] S-ta-mas, [British] Sta-mas). This fact pleases the event organizers who are none other than the wacky and beloved Stamas Bros – consisting of Stamas Bro Homer and Stamas Bro Aristotle – who experience deep anxiety when folks mispronounce their surname.
Event Coordinators Get Extra Support
So for extra support the Stamas Bros invite John Yianni Stamas to their NON-Mythical Monster Event for real monsters everywhere including the Abominable Snowman (Yeti was packed in ice) and the Loch Ness Monster (via Skype) as well as human monster adorers like the Manhattan Magician and folks from Harry Potter Fan Club NYC.
The affair was created by the Stamas Bros to clear up the myth that monsters are a mere figment of our imaginations. In other words monsters have the right to actually EXIST too!
The Madness Inducing Conference Goes Really Really Well (if You Consider things that are Maniacal and Spine Chilling as Going Well)
Here’s the kooky and shocking unraveling as spun by Stamas Bro Aristotle who was shaking a bit as he bravely spoke:
“It was a beautiful and affirming thing to watch humans and monsters finally meeting face to face as brothers and sisters (note: he meant that figuratively not genetically)”
This Just In…Maybe the Happening was Not so Copacetic After All
It turns out there were glitches at the BFZSUNMME!
What the Stamas Bros did not disclose is that there were a lot of monsters, who though invited, chose not to show up. All these creatures are officially sanctuned as FMFATWs (Fearsome Monsters From Around the World) the proof of which can be found at OxfordDictionaries.com.
Oxford Dictionaries’ creature feature line up include Gremlins, Chupacabras, Manticores, Banshees, Poltergeists, Mummies, Krakens, Werewolves, Cerberuses, Succubuses, Incubuses, Cyclopses, Nandi Bears, and yes even Basiliskes (though they prefer the Greek Basiliskos, meaning ‘little king, serpent’). And last but not least, the Jersey Devil. In fact, the Jersey Devil had been selected by all the other creatures to be their spokesperson.
Said JD directly to the Stamas Bros:
“As if it’s not enough to have humiliating Jersey jokes be made about us by you Manhattan-ites, but on top of that you disrespect us by naming your shindig “The BigFoot Zombie and Sasquatch Undead NON-Mythical Monster Event.” We creatures don’t respond kindly to this name because as you know BigFoot Zombie and Sasquatch Undead are merely different monikers for the same beast! Where are our names?! I don’t see any Jersey Devil, or Godzilla or even Dracula – yeah that’s right, he self identifies as a monster too! Frankenstein as well, but then you probably knew that.”
Stamas Bro Homer steps toward JD and speaks to him earnestly while quivering.
“JD sir, I have only reverence for you and your kind. After all you are a fabled inhabitant of the sparsely-populated Pine Barrens region in the US state of NJ. You are a wonderful kangaroo-like creature with a fantastic horse/dog head, dragon-like wings, a tail, and horns. Plus, you’re so incredibly great that the National Hockey League team based in your state – chose in your honor to call themselves the New Jersey Devils!
JD seems to take well to being buttered up and exclaims with a blood curdling scream:
Stamas Bro Homer, doing his best to not reveal how scared he really is, continues.
“And since you are so terrific I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive us. We meant no disrespect.”
Stamas Bro Homer looks toward Stamas Bro Aristotle (seen on a laptop screen broadcasting from North Fork, CA, near Fresno). Stamas Bro Aristotle nods in agreement then both Bros look toward the Jersey Devil continuing to nod their heads a bit too much, possibly to cover their fear.
JD hesitates for a moment and then get a big grin.
“Oh okay, if you put it that way I guess we can absolve you just this once. But if you do this get together next year I hope you’ll simply call it “The NON-Mythical Monster Event” not naming any particular member of the horror league.”
“I don’t understand. The website is named BigFoot Zombie and yet the Stamas Bros continue to search for different mythical creatures than that. The NYC Water Dragon in the Harlem River was a recent quest and now an intentionally blurry picture of a so called unicorn. It’s got to stop. Focus on BigFootZombie Stamas Bros, not lizards in water and horses with a horn. It tarnishes the last name “Stamas” for Stamas’ all over the world.”
When asking the Stamas Bros why Yianni (a web designer, digital marketer, blogger and sometime filmmaker, educator and magician) was so insulted by searching for pretend creatures other than just BFZ, the Brothers were silent. Stamas Bro Aristotle refused to answer citing that he was busy on a skiing trip in Aspen and planned to go to Bermuda afterwards. Finally Stamas Bro Homer broke down and responded from the Empire State (New York). He had this to say:
“We (the Stamas Bros) understand Yianni Stamas’ concern. We have not been focused enough as guest bloggers on BigFootZombie.com and are getting kind of off topic. We know this confuses the audience and doesn’t reflect kindly on Stamas’ everywhere. For this reason we have great remorse.”
Just when Yianni Stamas was about to back off from criticising the Stamas Bros for baffling and convoluted messaging regarding fake beings from another dimension, the brothers known as Stamas were allegedly overheard by a private detective who was wiretapping their phones. Stamas Bro Aristotle apparently suggested that the bros go in search of Chimera, a fire-breathing three-headed monster with one head of a lion, one of a snake, and another of a goat, lion claws in front and goat legs behind, and a long snake tail.
Despite the similarities of the photo shown in this blog entry to another well known one of the Loch Ness Monster, the Stamas Bros claim that after much investigative effort they snapped this picture of a creature they call the NYC Water Dragon in the Harlem River. Says Stamas Bro Homer:
“Sure it looks a lot like the Nessie image taken in Scotland, but we were staked out for hours to get this snapshot in the Inwood Manhattan water area. Ironically, we next intend to try to catch an image of Scotland’s National Animal, the unicorn. But the unicorn we are seeking is one that was first spotted in Inwood Hill Park.”